Goes the dynamyte

Sirens blaring in my ears.

Can't seem to open my eyes without immense pain flooding my temples.
Baby crying in one ear,
alarm going off in the other.

My skull feels like its constantly being bashed with a metal baseball bat, by angry midgets on a mission.

I look at the clock, its 7:08 am

Fuck.

Out of bed, down the hall, wake up the oldest.
Get her in the shower, head downstairs and start making her lunch.
Put the lunch in the backpack, 
back upstairs to get her out of the shower.
Wake up the 4 year old.
Get both dressed.
Head still pounding,
baby still crying.
Serve breakfast,
feed baby.
Clean up breakfast, brush hair, get coats and boots on.
Frick.
Forgot to start the car.
Take coats and boots off.
I go start the car.
Kids have to pee.
Baby starts crying.
In the car, and onward through morning traffic.
Head still pounding.
Midgets are angry.

Get home.
Make coffee.
Make a pot of coffee.
Get out coloring for the 4 yr old,
Put baby on the play mat.
Pour coffee.
Step on toy.
Spill coffee.
Round 2.
Successfully drink coffee.
Have a cigarette.

Around lunchtime, throw in a hissy fit (thrown by yours truly).
Lost my temper.
Lost my mind.
So overwhelmed.
Clean up mess from temper tantrum.
Make lunch.
Head out to get groceries.

(I despise having to go grocery shopping with children. Especially on a time crunch. Especially with a headache.)

Load the car up with groceries, head to school to get the oldest.

Stare up into the sky and wonder why trips to Mexico aren't free..


The hardest part of being a mom, is you can't call in sick.
My duties stay the same whether I'm 100% healthy and happy, or running on empty, ready to fire at any innocent bystander.

I could have called the school and said my oldest was sick.
It seemed convenient.
Yes, she's only in grade one, and missing one day wouldn't be the end of the world.
She needs to know that sometimes, no matter how hard it gets, there are still priorities.
In many ways, motherhood is a job. Luckily, it's one that is REALLY hard to get fired from.
The day is over, and although I debated putting all 3 of them on kijiji for free, they are in bed, peaceful and sleeping.

There is a good chance tomorrow will be great. There is the same chance of today repeating itself.

This blog has really been helping me "woo-saaaaw"... 
thanks for finding some sort of entertainment, sympathy, empathy or annoyance out of a day in the life...

love and honesty.
cass

First of many

What what?! New Foooooont!!!!!

Are you excited? Are you excited to read another blog, of my awesome thoughts in a New Font?

*inhale* *exhale*
Ok,
I realize this is all overwhelming, but it's time to calm down.

I cannot promise that my last post, is the last of many emotional, honest posts.
I am in a transition phase in my life, and sharing or blogging my heart, is a huge outlet for me.

I have great expectations out of life.
As far as "fitness" goals go, I want to be able to do a full blown chin up, by summer time.

Some may think that this is a very "lame" goal. Yes I'm a mom, and strong in many ways, (my fellow moms can agree, that we can lug around those damn car seats like nobody's business) but I have ZERO upper body strength.
It's embarrassing.
I recently have started getting off my ass, and doing something about my last 20lbs of baby weight. 
(for the new readers, I have 3 beautiful girls, but they certainly have done a number on my body).
Something that I am excited to share, is that after I lose these 20lbs, I will have collectively lost 100 lbs over the years.
My highest was 230 when I was pregnant with my second daughter.

It's crazy to think, that I'm a mere 5'5 and was THAT large.

Believe it people. 
This shit is real.

Inner peace sounds so "Hollywood" to say, but I am a work in progress, and I WILL get there.

I am sure everyone has experienced seasons in their life where they go back and forth in their minds, wondering if they're doing the right thing, living the right way, or if they have made the most efficient decisions.

This is not a strange feeling for me.
Hell, half of the time I'm so hesitant to even get as far as making a decision.

I really feel that once I have my "inner peace", things like traveling, writing, music, etc etc, will be more of a reality.

It's almost impossible to follow your heart, and pursue your dreams, when you have no concrete decision making skills to back you up.

So, 
first thing is first.

I am going to start seeing a counselor.
No, I am not "whining" or crying about my emotional state.
I have a lot of bullshit to sort through in my life, and I need to do some inner reflection on how these things are affecting my daily decision making.
I am also going to see a debt counselor.

One of the perks of leaving your husband, is that you are blinded by a past trust, and they stop paying bills that are still in YOUR name.
Unfortunately, it was a combination of a naive and messy situation.
Long story short,
I have many things in collections, and although I have been doing what I can to pay it down, it seems as if I get one thing paid off, and I get another call about something else.

If you know who he is, this is NOT a stab at him, or a way to paint him in a bad light.
This is me sharing what I am dealing with, and although I have shared it, it is NOT an invitation for you to meddle.

h'okay?

Life is about making mistakes.
It's about learning from the bad ones, and making sure you repeat the good ones.

We all have to deal with the consequences of our actions.
Sometimes, it's not as easy as simple consequences.
Sometimes, it's heartache, heartbreak, misery, anger, resent.

Sometimes we have to look into the eyes of the people we love, and watch their hearts break.

Sometimes, we have to say goodbye to cherished friendships, and start a new chapter.

Some days, we will feel completely alone.
Some days, not even the slowest student driver will piss you off.

There will be days I will cry myself to sleep.
But,
I will always ALWAYS, look forward to the days my face hurts from smiling.
to the days my abs hurt from laughing.
The days where I eat twice my weight in ice cream, and wash it down with way too much beer.
(yes that sounds like a terrible combination, but I quite enjoy it)
I look forward to the days where I can be there for my girls when they have their first, real, bad day.

I am a mom.
I am a friend.
I could change your world.
But first,
I have to change mine.

Love and honesty,
Cass

Round 2

"It's hard to be yourself when you have no idea who that is."

So.
I've been absent now for about a year.
My 365 day challenge kind was put to an abrupt halt.
Good and bad reasons, but I'm alive.

Recently, I have been a clusterfuck of emotions.
Excuse the french.

I have always been the type to take the easy way out.
I know I am a strong person, I have been through more in my 26 years of life, than many people in their 50's have had to deal with.

I have let my mistakes define me.
For so long, I have defined myself in a failed marriage, in a failed relationship, and it has bled into almost every area of my life.
 I have always thought I was an honest person.
Honest with other people maybe, but in recent soul searching, I have discovered that I am not honest with the most influential person in my life.. Me.

I was really good at changing everything about myself, to please anyone who would care.
Spoiler alert, but my failed marriage is proof of that not being a very wise habit to make.

I love easy.
I resent easy.
I hold grudges.
I will do almost anything for my friends.
I jump into things way too quickly.
I make bad choices.
I have manipulated.
I have lied.

No, this is not copy and pasted from a plenty of fish account..

Because these things are true about me, does not mean that I am :
Easy,
resentful,
people pleasing,
manipulative or
a liar.

I have dreams,
One still being New York.
One being able to write for a magazine like GQ or Nylon.

I have been really struggling lately with knowing who I am.
I know what I like, and what I don't like.
But, not enough to be grounded in them.
It's almost as if they're up for negotiation, as soon as the right person comes along.
I realize this is backwards.
Sometimes, when I look in the mirror, I don't like what I see.

This is not a woe is me post. Just hold tight. ok?

Soul searching, or self improvement is so overdue in my life.
I need to stop worrying about what everyone else is doing, feeling, thinking and thinking about me, and just live my life.
I have 3 girls that deserve the best version of me.

I love them so much, they need to know that relationships, and a flat tummy are NOT the most important things in life.
Way to go society, way to go.

I have a lot to offer someone.
Right now my life, and my emotional state is pretty messed up.
I have some major life choices ahead of me, and I need to get off the fence, get some lady balls, and just make my decisions.
Unfortunately, with my flaws in my back pocket, I have brought so much of this shit into other people's lives.
Never being certain of myself, and what I want, I look to other people for advice, or encouragement.
Which, isn't necessarily a bad thing, but I have become and ask hole.
You know,
the one friend that is always asking for advice, and never taking it.
I guess I've always felt that if I had advice, or influence, there is always someone to blame.

This is my new challenge.
To make decisions for ME.
To stop hurting and using innocent bystanders, to help ease my pain..
I've been through a lot in the past year.
I'm not sure if I will ever write about it, mostly because I have a hard time defining what's appropriate to share, and what is not.
 I don't know how fast I am going to make my choices, or if you will agree or disagree with them.
But I hope that by saying "If you don't like it, don't be a part of my life"... eventually I can ACTUALLY start living that way.
I am a damn good cook.
I don't have a smoking hot body.
I have stretch marks, and probably a good 20lbs to lose.
My boobs will never be perky... Unless I have an affair with victoria secret...
I hate working out, but I do it occasionally to ease my mind after eating a tub of ice cream.
I HATE when my kids are crying in the car.
I get annoyed very easily.
I snort when I laugh.
I am sensitive
And I HATE hurting people. So much, that I have actually put my life on hold, countless times, in fear of doing so.
I'll get there, I can be a strong mom. With or without a man.
I used to be so consumed with the idea of being some lucky man's "everything", that I would literally do anything and say anything to be that for them.
well.
I have been running on empty for so long, that it's about damn time I take a break, and examine myself.
You want to be a part of my life? Oh good.
then do something about it.

Eventually I will stop running.
Eventually, I will stick to this blog thing, and continue to put a smile on your face while reading my awesome skills.
Yup.
That's right.
I'm that big of a deal.

Love and Honesty,
Cass