ello v e

Love:
Is an emotion of a strong affection and personal attachment. Love is also said to be a virtue representing all of human kindness, compassion and affection.

This is the first two sentences of the "definition" of love, off wikipedia.

Now.
If you actually google it, you can read on, and find the many definitions of love.
We use this word in so many sentences. 
"I love that movie"
"I love Kraft Dinner"
"I love Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen"
"I love my mom"
"I love rain"
"I love Jason Segel"
.........
you get the point.
SO.
How do we dis-associate this word, with our everyday vocabulary, and take it back to the basics.
The basic definition of STRONG affection and personal attachment.
Are you personally attached to Kraft Dinner?
No.

This word, that brings SO many people together, in turn, tears so many people apart.

When I was 17, I had found "the one".
Yes, this is where you insert the eye rolling, because who knows what "love" is at 17.
Well,
I'm 25, and I'm still trying to figure out what "love" is.

I love my girls.
I would do anything for them.
If I had to get another job, taking away time from them, to give them a better life, and something that they needed, I would do it.
If someone hurt them, it would hurt me more.
When they cry, I cry. (unless they're fighting over puzzle pieces... I put on my big girl pants for that)

OK, so back to the 17 thing.
It was the puppy dog love. They can do no wrong, the world revolves around them. You morph your personality at a whim, to be who ever they want you to be, because the thought of life without them, is heartbreaking and unbearable.
And then that day, when they break your heart happens.
You cry. You ache. It aches when you cry, it aches when you sleep. You see them with someone else in the hallway, and it aches then too. 
Now,
to some of you reading this, may be thinking that I, actually may have experienced the real deal at 17.
It wasn't.
I wasn't who I needed to be. I did not know who I was, and who I WANTED to be/become.
I think that everyone is capable of experiencing love, although I also believe that not everyone is capable of accepting it. Not everyone is willing to allow themselves to love, or love again.
There is nothing wrong with that.
I want to love endlessly.
I firmly believe that the people in your life, and the ones closest to your heart are there for a reason.
The cliche saying: "If you love someone, tell them, you might not get the chance tomorrow" or however it goes, is how I've been "focusing" myself lately.
I think it's starting to creep out some of my friends, when I say "love you" at the end of a conversation, but hey, at least they know.

I'm going to stray off topic (a little bit) for a moment.

"Actions speak louder than words."
True or false.
In most cases this is true.
I have encountered many people, who experience the problem of : "all talk and no action."
OR.
"he says he loves me, but does (insert a guy mistake here), if he really loved me, he wouldn't do that."
Now, the other side of the spectrum,
is someone who DOES all of the right things, but never says it.
Would you rather have someone SAY they loved you, and made mistakes along the way, making you feel unloved, or would you rather have someone SHOW you that they love you, and never ever say it.
Both sound heartbreaking.
(I'm sorry about the cry baby blog)
Now, unfortunately 90% of men are emotionally constipated, and 98% of women are emotionally demanding.
I don't know if these two ideas on my "spectrum" will ever mesh.
I want to show love, I want to verbalize it, I want to feel it, but I'm scared to accept it.

I could ramble about my insecurities in my relationships, my body, my life history, all of my "gut wrenching moments", but that is highly unnecessary.
Last night, was one of the most magical nights I have ever experienced.

A surprise shopping trip, to pick out a new watch.
(I've been complaining about needing a new one forever, so I think he really did us BOTH a favor.)
A super romantic dinner.
(Best steak EVER at the Vintage Chophouse and Tavern downtown Calgary)
Off to the arcade to shoot some hoops.
Went to the "scary" movie Sinister. (Don't waste your money on that one... I was terrified, because it was creepy, but the story was lacking, and by the end, I had that awkward: "wow, this is a super terrible movie" feeling.)
Back home, changed into cozies, and fell asleep cuddling. (actually.. I'm not just trying to make this a PG blog.)
A night like this is something that I have dreamed about. Something I thought only my friends would experience.
It seems so routine for a lot of you female readers out there, but, I am NOT used to this kind of treatment.
Being surprised and spoiled like that, made my heart pound like I just ran 10k.
My face was flushed the entire night, and my smile muscles are definitely hurting today.
I really don't know if he reads my blog.
I haven't asked him to.
I hope he has.
I dunno.
It scares me, because I'm starting to feel special.. I feel important, cared for, precious, sexy, capable, appreciated.
Why am I so scared?
I don't really know. 
Maybe I'm just cautious.
I don't EVER want to expect nights like last night.
I don't EVER want to give the impression that I think I DESERVE these things.
Yes, it's good to ACCEPT these things when they happen, and appreciate them. But I don't need a silver spoon.
This is all coming out wrong.
Blaarrgh.
I'm actually getting emotional while blogging about this, so I'm thankful you can't see my "ugly cry face."
I guess it comes down to, 
I don't want to be disappointed,
I don't want my heart to ache like it did when I was 17.
That sucked.
so bad.
Go big or go home I guess.

This has come to an abrupt stop, but I honestly am having a hard time finishing this one.
Today for myself...
I wrote about something that scares me.
Aching.


.............
Love and honesty,
Cass
 
 

tattoo tattoo....tatt-tear

BLAAAAARRRGGHHH

so.
I decided the other day, that it would be a great impulse decision to go and get a tattoo for myself.
Something for me.
something that I wanted.
I was stoked on the design that I wanted, 2 feathers, wrapped with ribbon, with the date I started my challenge.
it looked SICK on the fricken sketch.
and then. it happened.
mr."greatest tattoo guy ever"
Had a seizure apparently whilst doing my tattoo.
I'm so sad.
it looks horrendous.
Ok, so as matt would say : "that's why you don't draw on yourself!"
..
yeah yeah yeah,
womp womp.
SO.
I now have a pine cone-leaf looking tattoo, with a fair amount of terrible attempts at shading... It looks like he sneezed while doing the outline.
Now, you may be asking why i didn't say anything about this "shotty" attempt of shading when I was in the shop.
I thought it was the stencil. I said, oh no big deal that will wash off. 
well, its been 3 days, and it WILL NOT GO AWAY. It hasn't even faded.
I'm not experienced in this whole tattoo experience and shop thing, so I'm debating and wondering if I can get my money back, or 50% back... I really don't know how I feel about going back to this shop, and getting the SAME guy to "fix" it... I don't want a whole calf piece for crying out loud.
frig.
well.
It was impulsive, and for me, so I guess I will always have that as a memory every time that I look at my tattoo.... *sigh*.
What can you do I suppose.

Well, I start my new work out regime tomorrow.
Starting slow, etc. and hoping to be in wicked shape by june 1, 2013. When I go to NYC.
Yah. It's still in the agenda, as far as it being attainable, I'm not sure on that one yet.

Today for myself, I chose 3 piano songs that I wanted to learn, and I learned them.
It was quite a satisfactory experience, when I realized I still had the "ear" to learn piano quickly.
I can't read sheet music anymore.
I'm sure I could if I tried, and practiced etc. But. who are we kidding... I'm only 137 days into this challenge, so I should probably save something like that for maybe 200 days in? Maybe.. maybe?

 well, there you guys go.
laugh, cry, or send me a msg on if tattoo shops give refunds. I don't want to go back in there guns blazing, if it's something that is not do-able. *tear*

Anna Banana

Is it sad, that every time I proceed to spell banana, I sing the gwen stefani song in my head.. B-A-N-A-N-A-S.

WOW.

I guess we shall just dive on in to this one. 
I have great clients at work. Many are characters that make me smile, but they're are all usually good wholesome people.
One lady, (this situation still weirds me out sometimes), just saw through my "professionalism" and started speaking to me like we've known each other for years.

Some may say it was coincidence, some may say God.
I am indifferent at this point. Not because I'm angry, or because I've "lost faith". 
It was such a random situation, that 15 minutes into a 1hr pedicure, I was bawling. 
(I am so glad I do not have friends from work on FB, and can read this... I would so be fired..)
maybe not.
can you get fired for crying during a pedicure?
hmmm..

It seems like lately, the more people I meet, and get comfortable with, the more they can read me.
I've always been really good at "holding it together".
It's starting to get frustrating that these random people are just saying things like: "You can make it through", without even knowing ANYTHING about my life.

I've started reconnecting with some old and good friends. It's been such a blessing, and has made me realize how selfish I have been lately.
I guess that is the whole idea behind this journey, but at the same time, I've been so focused on making sure that I do something for myself EVERY day, that some of my friends have taken the bench.
Now, ugh... I'm not even going to rant about that. Never mind.
I could go on for hours about how a lot of my "close" friends seem to want nothing to do with me since I left my marriage.
yeah that's right. The secret is out. I chose to leave.
Use your imagination, because I will probably never write about it. Unless captain Morgan gives me an inspirational speech about it.. 
See what I did there? eh? eh? you like that one?

Time to touch base on the challenge. I'm still happy. I haven't missed a day yet.
Today, after I managed to get BOTH girls in bed AND sleeping by 7:30pm, I cleaned, cranked the music, made tacos, had a bath, shaved my legs, did a face mask, painted fingers and toes, watched big bang theory, and THEN... I went upstairs, put on my PJ's and put on "Crazy Stupid Love"... After pausing it a few times for trips down to the fridge for chocolate milk and yogurt, and who am I kidding, there HAS to be a pause for when ryan gosling takes off his shirt.
Hot.Damn.
(sorry babe)
And oohhhh snap, the secret is out.
yes, 
I am dating someone.
He's great, and if you're lucky, you've met him, or will meet him. He's kind of a big deal.
But, this blog isn't about him.
It's about the OTHER big deal. MOI. bahaha, I think trying to convince my readers that I am not a conceited asshole at this point, is a waste of time..

I've decided the next few things I'm going to do for myself.. One of them being a tattoo. YAY! new ink for me! ... 
I do have a beef to address..
WHY has NO ONE, offered to go SKY DIVING with me!??!
It's been like.. 4 months now people.
SOMEONE needs some adventure in their life. SOOO, why not go sky diving with me? It could be fun.. and if we die, I will buy you a drink after.
deal?
OK, well
..
This blog isn't as interesting as I had anticipated. I apologize.
I'm watching crazy stupid love for the second time now.
I think a blog about the kids, and a general "life" update, not just the challenge update is in order.
hopefully that happens sooner than later.
Love and Honesty,
Huzzah!
cass