Lost.
Hurting.
Being lied to isn't that bad.
Being betrayed... I can deal with that.
Living the rest of my life, never knowing what's real, what is true, what is honest.
I don't think I can cope.
I didn't do anything for myself today.
I don't plan to.
So far, looking after myself, has included:
Animosity,
bitterness,
fear,
anxiety.
I don't sleep.
I cry.
Confusion.
Unsettled sense of self.
I need to go somewhere.
The people who are supposed to be here for me, in this moment, are gone.
They've all walked away.
where are you.
I need you.
It shouldn't be this bad. It can all be solved.
I can't do it alone.
No body said it was easy.
In 3 days,
i've gone from being on top of the world, nothing can shake me.
to:
Lost.Hurting.Alone.
Everything I had, is trying to be taken away from me, and I can try my absolute hardest, to not let it all fall apart.
Hold it together.
It's SO worth it,
but I can't do it alone.
2 of my best friends have failed me,
I'm down to 1 more ...And i will fight with everything I have for it.
you know who you are.
and I'm still in, if you are.
But we have to fight together..
because I don't have much to give anymore.
I will not walk away.
love and honesty,
cass
Saturday, November 10, 2012
Monday, November 5, 2012
the hulk
Those days,
where you're an emotional basket case for no reason.
Completely on edge, hoping someone doesn't cut you off in traffic, in fear of losing your mind.
It's like someone flicking you in the forehead non stop.
No explanation as to why you are feeling this way.
Just one of those "days".
That has been my day.
Now, I know stress has a role to play in my day, but come on now!! I've had worse days, and for some reason, all I want is to lay in bed and just cry.
There is absolutely NOTHING wrong! Hence, why this is making my day even more frustrating!
As I said before, I have had worse days.
My moms health is about the same. (she was re-admitted to the hospital today).
Daily struggles of daycare, money and just your average day in the life of Cass, nothing out of the ordinary.
I thought maybe blogging about this would help me unwind, and get rid of some of this stress.
So far it's not working.
This may be a long blog.
I've been thinking a lot about relationships lately. (Don't worry babe, you're not in trouble).
More so friendships I guess.
I wrote a song once, and one of the lines was: "set sail on a sunny day, but when it rains we hide away."
Ugh.
I have SO many great people in my life, but at the same time, it seems they're no where to be found.
Life really does get busy, and I obviously understand that priorities don't always match up, and maybe never will.
My two closest friends live 6hrs, and 11hrs away.
Sometimes I wish I had a never ending bank account, so on days like today, I could just fly them down here, and just have them near.
I've been meeting many new people these days, and yet it feels so distant, and fake.
I could pretty much tell my life story to anyone who is willing to listen, because it's based on facts.
Unfortunately, I struggle with opening up.
HOW those things truly hurt me, HOW HARD it was to walk away from a 6yr relationship, and 5yr marriage.
I put on a good face. I AM a STRONG and INDEPENDENT woman.
I've been through more than most 25yr old women, and men.
I'm not trying to under mind anyone's struggles, or life experiences.
I'm scared of bitterness and anger taking over my life.
I know that recognizing it, is the first step to avoiding it.
I guess, in a way, I miss the days, when you would do ANYTHING for a friend.
To call someone up and say, I need you. Without hesitation, or question, they would be there.
I'm tired of phone calls.
I'm tired of face book.
I genuinely LOVE quality one on one time with people.
Unfortunately I live in a world where this doesn't happen often.
I really don't know where this is going.. Sorry for the rabbit trails.
Seriously. I'm running on empty, and it's getting REALLY frustrating that I'm the only one who's recognizing it. Technically speaking, I'm supposed to be the LAST person to see it, acknowledge it, and even put up a fight when someone points it out.
But no.
I play this "game" we call life.
I smile.
I'm nice and pleasant with generally most people.
But I will never ask for help.
Yes, I realize I'm creating my own problem.
I HATE asking for help. (who really likes it I guess).
I don't hate asking for help for the cliche reason of "wanting to be stronger".
I hate it because I fear the feeling of "I owe them one".
I hate it, because depending on who you ask, it can create animosity in relationships.
I hate it because, the few times I've actually been desperate, and called out to someone whom I trusted, and needed by my side, the answer was no.
It hurts.
So if I never ask for help, I never have to feel that disappointment of someone not being able to be there for me.. No matter how much they love you.
One of my last posts was about love, and it's true meaning.
I've been doing tons of reflection on who I truly love, and who I just say it to out of habit.
DON'T get in the habit of saying it!!!!!! Say it only when you WANT to say it.
Not when it's "necessary".
Not when it's a silver screen moment.
I tell my kids I love them at a minimum, 20x a day.
They need to hear it, so it sticks with them, and as they learn what love is, they know their mom loves them to the moon and back.
Sometimes it's more rewarding saying "I love you too", than just I love you.
blaaargghh!!!!!
This is where I end the trail, because now I'm just babbling, and nothing is really making sense anymore.
I really am o.k.
Just one of those days.
Love and Honesty,
Cass
where you're an emotional basket case for no reason.
Completely on edge, hoping someone doesn't cut you off in traffic, in fear of losing your mind.
It's like someone flicking you in the forehead non stop.
No explanation as to why you are feeling this way.
Just one of those "days".
That has been my day.
Now, I know stress has a role to play in my day, but come on now!! I've had worse days, and for some reason, all I want is to lay in bed and just cry.
There is absolutely NOTHING wrong! Hence, why this is making my day even more frustrating!
As I said before, I have had worse days.
My moms health is about the same. (she was re-admitted to the hospital today).
Daily struggles of daycare, money and just your average day in the life of Cass, nothing out of the ordinary.
I thought maybe blogging about this would help me unwind, and get rid of some of this stress.
So far it's not working.
This may be a long blog.
I've been thinking a lot about relationships lately. (Don't worry babe, you're not in trouble).
More so friendships I guess.
I wrote a song once, and one of the lines was: "set sail on a sunny day, but when it rains we hide away."
Ugh.
I have SO many great people in my life, but at the same time, it seems they're no where to be found.
Life really does get busy, and I obviously understand that priorities don't always match up, and maybe never will.
My two closest friends live 6hrs, and 11hrs away.
Sometimes I wish I had a never ending bank account, so on days like today, I could just fly them down here, and just have them near.
I've been meeting many new people these days, and yet it feels so distant, and fake.
I could pretty much tell my life story to anyone who is willing to listen, because it's based on facts.
Unfortunately, I struggle with opening up.
HOW those things truly hurt me, HOW HARD it was to walk away from a 6yr relationship, and 5yr marriage.
I put on a good face. I AM a STRONG and INDEPENDENT woman.
I've been through more than most 25yr old women, and men.
I'm not trying to under mind anyone's struggles, or life experiences.
I'm scared of bitterness and anger taking over my life.
I know that recognizing it, is the first step to avoiding it.
I guess, in a way, I miss the days, when you would do ANYTHING for a friend.
To call someone up and say, I need you. Without hesitation, or question, they would be there.
I'm tired of phone calls.
I'm tired of face book.
I genuinely LOVE quality one on one time with people.
Unfortunately I live in a world where this doesn't happen often.
I really don't know where this is going.. Sorry for the rabbit trails.
Seriously. I'm running on empty, and it's getting REALLY frustrating that I'm the only one who's recognizing it. Technically speaking, I'm supposed to be the LAST person to see it, acknowledge it, and even put up a fight when someone points it out.
But no.
I play this "game" we call life.
I smile.
I'm nice and pleasant with generally most people.
But I will never ask for help.
Yes, I realize I'm creating my own problem.
I HATE asking for help. (who really likes it I guess).
I don't hate asking for help for the cliche reason of "wanting to be stronger".
I hate it because I fear the feeling of "I owe them one".
I hate it, because depending on who you ask, it can create animosity in relationships.
I hate it because, the few times I've actually been desperate, and called out to someone whom I trusted, and needed by my side, the answer was no.
It hurts.
So if I never ask for help, I never have to feel that disappointment of someone not being able to be there for me.. No matter how much they love you.
One of my last posts was about love, and it's true meaning.
I've been doing tons of reflection on who I truly love, and who I just say it to out of habit.
DON'T get in the habit of saying it!!!!!! Say it only when you WANT to say it.
Not when it's "necessary".
Not when it's a silver screen moment.
I tell my kids I love them at a minimum, 20x a day.
They need to hear it, so it sticks with them, and as they learn what love is, they know their mom loves them to the moon and back.
Sometimes it's more rewarding saying "I love you too", than just I love you.
blaaargghh!!!!!
This is where I end the trail, because now I'm just babbling, and nothing is really making sense anymore.
I really am o.k.
Just one of those days.
Love and Honesty,
Cass
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