milkshakes and boys

When it's windy out, and you have hair extensions, it makes for a hot mess.

Just sayin'.

My heart has been racing, and extremely heavy, contemplating this blog, topic and everything realted to it.

Before I start, I will just say (for the record), that no matter what I go through in life, and although I do blog about certain personal things, my blog will never be a place for slander, personal jabs, or calling someone out.

ever.

Most of you already know that my mom passed away on Easter Sunday.

I wish I could type up a huge descriptive blog on all of the pains in my heart, and how much I cry, and hurt, and miss her.. It hasn't sunk in yet.

It feels so surreal.

I sit here in the living room where her hospital bed used to be, and there's nothing.

No sadness, not hurt or anger. Just empty. Lonely. Quiet.

Weird.

Cleaning and keeping busy helps. 

I tried to go out on the weekend, to distract myself, and get me out of the house... Epic fail.

I have lots of friends that have been extremely supportive through this whole process, and surrounding myself with people does help.

I'm so scared to do anything.

One drink too many. One boy too many.

I recognize that now is not the time to get lost in stupid shit.

I joke about getting hammered, or picking up the bottle to cope with it.

I can't focus on anything, guitar, piano... It's seriously like my mind just races, questioning why I got dressed today. Why did I put my makeup on? I should be a mess right now in sweatpants, and the depressing stench that comes with not showering. Right?

Maybe it's through all of the support, that the true grief isn't so bad?

Sometimes I just sit, and stare off into space, saying over and over in my head: "Cass.. Your mom died...You can cry  now."

But nothing comes out.

At my mom's memorial, someone approached me (completely caught me off guard) and said the following:

"Cass, you have the faith like your mom. You are almost identical to her. You don't have to aspire to be anything like her, or aspire to have faith like hers. It's already there. Stop fighting it."

Mind. Blown.

I get stuck. I guess in a way, I push down this faith because I was so angry at God when my marriage fell apart.

I didn't understand the purpose of being faithful, and praying everyday, and being a good person, if my marriage went to shit anyways.

So I went the other direction.

Now, I haven't been involved in drugs, or partying really since high school.. But I tried so hard, for so long to impress people who just didn't give a crap about me.

And it took almost 2 years of my life, and serious fricken heart ache, to realize I need to snap out of it.

Sometimes God puts people in our lives temporarily. Some of the people at my moms funeral have only met her a couple of times, but she truly impacted them enough to have the desire to pay their respects.

I want to impact people the same way.

I know I have.

I just need to figure out a way to do it, without having people walk all over me. Stomp on me, and hurt me. 

I've decided that I'm going to look into public speaking. Maybe for teen girls... I dunno.

I feel like if there is anyone who knows what NOT to do when it comes to boys/sex/relationships, it's ME. LOL.

In recent events in my life, I'm at a stand still. Part of me wants to just become bitter, and tell everyone to eff off... How do I heal from this? What does forgiveness look like?? 

Why do I try so hard to just love on people, and be a nice honest, kind person, only to get shit on?

I went through a phase where I always had my guard up, and was so skeptical of the human race, that I was literally a hermit.

It was so lonely. 

And you know.

I didn't get hurt.

I didn't have to worry about people walking in and out of my life, because I never let them in.

Although the hurt, can scar you.... It's a reminder that you were stronger than whatever or whomever tried to tear you down.

"Throw me to the wolves and I will return leading the pack."

I feel like this is the start of a new chapter.

My mom passing, and the daily drama that comes with being such a big deal, has really overwhelmed my life lately.

SO.

I'm on to bigger and better things.

My music stuff is coming along nicely.

Starting to meet new people, and make new friends. (Do not fret, there is NO Mr. Bigdeal in the picture..)

I wish nothing but good things to anyone who has hurt me in the past 27 years of my life.

It's so hard to say sometimes.

But....

I'm going to hustle until I no longer have to introduce myself..

And that's where I'm going to end this.

love and honesty..

cass

Live life n shit

Every time I choose a font, I always think of Woody Harrelson in "friends with benefits".. Hot damn he's good looking.

Well, I gave a heads up about heavy shit being on the blog today. No, I am not experiencing PMS, and need to be an emotional girl, but I do have a heavy heart.

Everyday, in every movie, we are bombarded with this catch phrase:
"Live like there is no tomorrow"

I have tried to apply this to my life in many different areas. Yes, there are still days where I am lazier than a fat kid who just owned a chocolate cake, but I most definitely apply this to my relationships.
 When I talk to my sister, my best friends, I always end the conversation with "I love you."
I make it a point to express my positive feelings for people in my life.
In my platonic friendships, I have only seen them flourish from this.
I hate the idea of having an unexpected death, and fearing those words unspoken.

Now, I have been burned by this unfortunately.
When you wear your heart on your sleeve, and are always willing to love, and see the good in people, that is easily taken advantage of.
I am extremely jaded when it comes to romance.
I've been promised the forever, and I've been promised til death do us part.
I have to side track for a moment, hang on.

I'm at a point where I don't understand a lot of things going on in my life right now.
I'm generally a positive person, I love my friends, I love many many people.
I'm having a hard time feeling like it's one sided. 
I am going to assume it's because of how my life has played out to this point.
I used to look at my life experience as a bad thing.
The fact that I'm a single mom of 3 girls, is a bad thing.
I have been married and divorced, as a bad thing.
But it's not. It's me, and although it has taken a lot longer to truly believe that within myself, I will NEVER apologize to anyone for it.
You don't like it? Well then buy me candy and see you later!

When you live like there is no tomorrow, that's kind of unrealistic. 
I don't have the finances or enough hours in the day to travel all of the places I want to see, in one day.
I can't sky dive, and do a plethora of yoga inversions at the same time.
 But I CAN make sure that I am loving like there is no tomorrow.
Timing is a bitch, and schedules don't always match up, but, I'm putting in a better effort to send a message or two in the direction of people who have fallen on the sidelines in my life.
I occasionally buy the coffee for the guy behind me at Tim Horton's.
I read more stories with my girls.
I spend less time on my phone.

Now.

Some of you may know the condition of my moms' health right now.
For those of you who don't, she is in the final stages of battling cancer, and isn't supposed to make it through the weekend.
My sister and family are here for the weekend, as well as my Aunty and Grandma.
My mom is definitely in no position to "live like there is no tomorrow."
Between all of her medications, she simply spends her days sleeping and mumbling.
It blows my mind, that when she has her moments of being coherent, she talks joyfully about being able to sit on the patio during summer time.
She talks about meeting the twins my sister is currently pregnant with.
She talks about plans for Christmas, birthdays, you name it.

Is there a point in life where you have to switch your thinking from living like there is no tomorrow, to hoping there IS a tomorrow?
I feel like she wouldn't still be alive if it wasn't for that hope of tomorrow.
The hope to feel love, joy, peace and comfort from family, and even smaller things like having tea on the patio.
I have debated for a long long time, if I was going to ever blog about my mom.
She probably won't read this.
Or get to.
So, I guess I feel like in this chaos I call life, I think I have figured out a balance.

Love like there is no tomorrow, but hope to be blessed with it.

(I don't think that really makes sense, but hang on)

Invest in your relationships (friends, family, significant other)
Don't hold back on telling someone how you feel, ESPECIALLY if it's positive, or could change their life!
Yes, unfortunately, when you put yourself out there, you MAY be rejected.
I sleep better at night knowing that I tried, knowing that I've put it out there, and it was rejected..
I have lost sleep wondering if only I had said how I felt, or tried to positively influence someone, if things would be different.

Plans keep us going.
Planning for tomorrow keeps us going.
I am looking forward to a summer of camping, laughing, tanning, tattoos, sky diving, and healing.

I have decided to separate myself from social media.
I will use Facebook to promote my blog, and my music.
I don't want to read about life anymore.
I want to live.
I want to be so busy loving my kids, and loving myself, that I don't have time for scrolling my Facebook.
I used to think that I wanted to be with someone who could make me laugh, and have this "connection" with, and build a life together.
FUCK that.
I am going to be out living my life, enjoying every day.
I am going to do what I want to do. See who I want to see, dance when I want to dance, laugh when necessary and cry when it's imperative. 
The generation after us is in serious trouble if we don't do something now.

I'm on a mission to teach my girls there is more to life than an Ipad, or electronics. It's about
Gardening, yoga, sports, hiking, traveling, dancing, laughing.
Life experience.
I don't want to just "be with someone."
I want to live life with someone.
Through living life together, comes the strength to face adversity, and the love to break through the darkest hours.

I'm all empowered now, and feel like I should be in a chick flick, with the emotional music playing in the background.
Slow motion running, with tears of happiness running down my face.

To be honest, sometimes I'll sit and day dream about how cool it would be to actually experience a movie scene.
Tall dark and handsome shows up unannounced at work, or at home with a bunch of chocolate and flowers, pouring rain, scoops you up for a big old kiss. *swoon*

Aaaaaaaand then I remember I'm single.


Love and honesty,
Cass