So Happy Together

This is a story of a girl, 
who cried a river and drowned the whole world...
Just kidding..

But not really.


Life is not an e-card.
"I once saw something that was green, and called it white. The clouds then cleared and I realized my destiny."

I understand that the majority of e-cards and post-its were created with the intentions of encouragement, but come on now.

If I stumble across another "You weren't created to pay bills and die" photo, with the happy couple vacationing in Hawaii, or the mountain scene with some over italicized font, I may just vomit all over the interweb.

Like I said before, I understaaaand this is supposed to be encouraging.

We all know that I am a single mother. I take care of absolutely everything. Rent, bills, daycare, dinner, laundry, birthday parties, play dates, errands, doctors appointments, etc etc.
I am also the one that misses work when one of the girls is too sick to go to school or day care.

When I was a teenager, all I ever wanted to be when I grew up, was a stay at home mom. I wanted 10 kids, the mini van, the stretch marks, the swollen feet while being hunched over the stove and a toddler behind my heels. I never thought about a degree, or how to make sure I safe guarded my self from making 12$ an hour via waxing vaginas.
I knew that marriage was "hard work". Which it is. It most definitely is. I am not trying to underplay that by any means.
When I thought about hard work, I envisioned petty fights. Who's turn it was to cook dinner. Who was in charge of finances, learning to tolerate a different personality when it 100% clashed with yours.
*disclaimer*- I am about to get very real and very descriptive about myself, and my history with men, and don't worry, I have a point, and yes it has to do with paying bills and dying. Bear with me.

I have decided that the only way to blog about my relationships without playing the blame game, is to avoid pin-pointing what happened with whom and when. Make sense? 
I have only had two serious relationships in my life. Now, you will pretty much have to be Corey Crawford or Vince Vaughan to convince me otherwise, but my days of serious relationships are over. At the very least, until my girls are older or out of school.
I can't handle being cheated on. I can't be second to porn addictions and alcoholism. I WILL NOT be with a child abuser. I never ever ever want to spend 3 months fighting in a court room, defending that I am a good mother, and the circumstances that almost cost the life of myself and my girls was not my fault.  I most definitely WILL NOT, absolutely will NOT let my girls grow up thinking that those are the "hard things" relationships go through.
Please understand something, this is not a pity party, and although this is a lot to have online, and for family and friends to be reading, I do have a point.

Do you want to know what the hardest thing about everything listed above was? 
I stayed.
I stayed through many situations time and time again. I told myself daily that things would get better, or they would see what they had when they looked at me. I was enough. I was enough for them to change. If I was patient, they would love me more, and we would be better off.
The hole in my heart grew and grew and festered, until now.
Now it is a big ole mess.

I see these e-cards about love. Or how someone desires to be looked at like Leo looks at his cookies. 
Do you want to know what I desire? 
To love myself.
The emotional turmoil and baggage that comes along with all of the above is more than a work in progress. I journal, I've hired a life coach and I'm still waiting to see a counselor. 
I am strong, and I'm ok, but I do not want to leave any 't' uncrossed. 

Right now, my older two girls have not seen their dad since Halloween.
I carry that.
Financially, emotionally, you name it. 

I went back to school, I have post-secondary education. I had a good job. Unfortunately I lost that when I took on the girls full time. 
The career that I chose, that I excelled in for about 4 years, is gone.
I tried again. Once again, full time at 12$ an hour, doesn't even pay the rent.
In the middle of a recession, I gave up job #2, hoping to get some clarity. There has to be more, because for me, right now, in this season of my life, I am here to pay my bills. 

I was created to be a mother, I know this. They come to me with their heart aches, their tooth aches, their homework and their joy.

I would love a direct sales position that allows me to vacation in some sunny destination 2-4x a year. Can I afford the overhead? No. Some months are down to the cents.
We don't vacation, we don't do Kids play centers or family snow boarding trips, and you know what? We're ok.
Believe it or not, my kids don't cry themselves to sleep at night because another year in a row, we didn't go to mexico.
So yes, the idea of "you weren't created to pay bills and die" is a very nice thought, and could be motivating for some. It doesn't mean that your life has to be extravagant for it to count. It does not mean that if you are only paying your bills, you are insignificant. It does not mean that you need to be making a shit ton of money to have a good life.
I'm unemployed and still holding it together. Somehow? By the grace of God I am sure, because I definitely haven't won the lottery.

All I am trying to say is that we have to be careful with the fake happiness and the fake fantastic lives we're so desperate to portray all over facebook, instagram and snap chat.
Someone somewhere is looking at this bullshit, and criticizing themselves daily over the fact that they are not enough. They look in the mirror and wonder why they can't have that life. They've crunched the numbers, they've quit smoking, they've got their day care costs down to nothing, and they still don't have your fake bullshit picture of "happiness".
They look in the mirror and wonder why the hell they still don't have morning abs, when all they have had to eat in the past week is kale salad washed down with whiskey and broken dreams.

If we all tried to be more authentic, I think we could all realize WHY we were created. WHY we were all put on this planet together.. 

I swear if someone with money patents that above statement as an e-card and gets a million shares and Corey Crawford likes it, I will go all Rhonda on yo' ass... Not really but just in case,
I hereby claim the rights to the hilarity of this blog.

Love and Honesty,
Cass