Freedom Writing

There is something unsettling about vivid dreaming. There are many nights where I awake suddenly in sheer terror, other nights I wake up sobbing because my dreams are so real. There are dreams that if described, would be the plot of a psychological thriller. Sometimes the amount of brokenness that exists in these dreams, is so prominent, it effects me for days. There was a time in my life where I would have the same reoccurring dream, 3-5 times a week. No detail would be different other than occasional graphics and color changes. 
When you keep yourself in a constant state of stress, emotional stress or self deprivation, it wreaks havoc on your subconscious. This time in my life lasted longer than it needed to. 

If you're wondering why I tend to bring up old relationships and relationship experiences, I have insight for you and a wonderful bit of closure, which I will get to shortly.

In the very recent past, I've started doing a lot of soul searching. Soul overhaul, if you will. I wish I could tell you that it was as simple as recognizing a few insecurities and flaws, facing them head on and finding a hobby that fixed it all. I wish I could tell you that I found my person who hugged me so tight, all of my broken pieces fit back together.

Let's jump back to the period of time where my vivid dreams were at their peak. 
Constant insecurity. It wasn't as simple as a few extra pounds that came and went, a few pimples that came and went, along with stubborn cellulite. No. Constant wondering why I wasn't good enough. If anyone knew how many chances I actually gave him, they would disown me and leave me to my own devices. After everything, why was I still not enough? Why did we still fight all of the time? Why was he still messing around? Why was anything and everything more important than fixing what we had? The list went on and on and on. 
*Please note, this is not an attack on any specific person, personality or individual, as this blog only accounts for one side of the story*
I endured those thoughts and patterns for longer than necessary. As time has passed, along with an immense amount of research, dream research and some counselling; when you're in that constant state of emotional stress or even constant manipulation, your subconscious deals with it even when it's supposed to be turned off.
Vivid dreams, anxiety, depression, intruding thoughts can all be triggered from any type of abusive relationship. So many people will jump to attack the other person when that "A" word is brought up. Slandering, sitting back in disbelief, judging character, believe me I've spent non-refundable time doing the same things.
In the past week, I've come to realize something that's been very difficult for me to accept.
I don't need to only forgive him/them. I need to forgive myself. 
In every small decision, I lost a bit of myself.
Recently, I watched this video on a woman who had stayed in an abusive relationship for a very long time. In this video, she describes that the biggest part of her journey was learning to forgive herself. She had lost herself to that relationship. Although the physical abuse was not her fault, in every small decision; every time she said yes when she wanted to say no, every time she made an excuse for him or every time she stayed, she lost herself.

Watching that video, was like watching someone showing me to the start of my journey. As this woman spoke, I related more and more to what she was saying. Fortunately, I was never physically abused. Unfortunately, I never showed up for myself either. I lost my worth. 
SO.
What is the point of this overly in depth and awkwardly depressing post? Well ladies and gentlemen, the point is, I have a plan, a plan that has already started to show its' positive effects and I want to share it with you. 
I have collaborated many motivational videos from speakers, personal trainers, online therapy, counselling and wine to come up with this.
Taking the first step to get help, is SO underrated. From the moment I scheduled my first session of prayer counselling, I instantly felt relief. 
Working out. Yes, unfortunately, they're all right with this one. Rage workouts are my new favorite things. What is a rage workout you might ask? Well, when you get really pissed off about all of the crap you put up with and can't punch yourself or your ex, you rage workout. Blast the music as loud as you can, grab a medicine ball and just slam it as hard as you can over and over until that feeling passes.
Wine. Well, I can be honest with this one, there was a solid week where the liquor store staff may have known my first name. Just for a week. 
Online support. If you are feeling desperate, upset, needing to vent or assistance working through some issues, I highly recommend "7 Cups". My sister informed me of this online support community and even though I've only been a part of it for less than a week, it has changed my life. 
You can connect with listeners and therapists. You gain access to motivational videos, an array of guided meditations as well as group forums and personal "life path" challenges.
When anxiety kicks in, I hop on the anxiety forum for tips, articles, live chat, virtually anything that helps to pass the time.  Want to know the best thing about "7 Cups"? It's FREE! The only cost involved comes with regular chats with a therapist.

About a month ago, I couldn't sleep. It didn't matter what I drank before bed, what workout I did, I would always wake up drenched in sweat. Dreams of terrorist attacks, dreams of my kids being kidnapped, dreams of darkness in that relationship. I could barely get through a day without having a breakdown. Between no sleep and playing emotional catch up from something that effected me a lot more than it should have, I was exhausted.

It's been 5 nights of no nightmares. I've actually had wonderful dreams. One of my favorites was when a co-worker and I had to do some dance routine at a high-school reunion. Do you want to know what is so great about dancing dreams, and what they symbolize? Are you ready?
Emotional Freedom.
EMOTIONAL FREAKIN FREEDOM!!

Knowing who you are is SO important. I know who I am, what I like, what I don't like. I know that I have no desire to deep ocean scuba dive. I know that I have no desire to own any type of reptile ever. I am comfortable being on my own, I can survive on my income and outside of a relationship.
I just never accepted that it is OK to know who you are! It is OK to have boundaries! Yes, it's expected to be treated with decency and respect, but ultimately it is only up to me how I choose to be treated. I thrive in a relationship 110% of the time. Except now, I'm learning how to thrive in every area of my life. Ultimately, if I don't sit down and write my blog post, no one will. If I don't work on my book, it won't get finished. If I don't do my workout, I will feel gross. There is nothing wrong with me. There never was. It wasn't that I wasn't good enough. I was better than that. 
I'm still learning, I'm definitely still healing and I am in no rush whatsoever to hide the wine. 
Sometimes, you need to listen to the people around you when they say you're worth fighting for. No one ever in the history of this world, should have the power to make you feel like you're not good enough. Ever. 

This journey is ongoing. This is my experience. I have a resume of crappy things that I've done in this life too but that's not who I am. Be empowered. Even on your WORST day, you still have to be here! You can show up and make the most of it, or miss out, but you still have a choice!
*The last part I got from a live video feed on IG by loseitconkatie. She is amazing, inspiring and is starting a wonderful movement.*

Love and Honesty
Cass