ello v e

Love:
Is an emotion of a strong affection and personal attachment. Love is also said to be a virtue representing all of human kindness, compassion and affection.

This is the first two sentences of the "definition" of love, off wikipedia.

Now.
If you actually google it, you can read on, and find the many definitions of love.
We use this word in so many sentences. 
"I love that movie"
"I love Kraft Dinner"
"I love Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen"
"I love my mom"
"I love rain"
"I love Jason Segel"
.........
you get the point.
SO.
How do we dis-associate this word, with our everyday vocabulary, and take it back to the basics.
The basic definition of STRONG affection and personal attachment.
Are you personally attached to Kraft Dinner?
No.

This word, that brings SO many people together, in turn, tears so many people apart.

When I was 17, I had found "the one".
Yes, this is where you insert the eye rolling, because who knows what "love" is at 17.
Well,
I'm 25, and I'm still trying to figure out what "love" is.

I love my girls.
I would do anything for them.
If I had to get another job, taking away time from them, to give them a better life, and something that they needed, I would do it.
If someone hurt them, it would hurt me more.
When they cry, I cry. (unless they're fighting over puzzle pieces... I put on my big girl pants for that)

OK, so back to the 17 thing.
It was the puppy dog love. They can do no wrong, the world revolves around them. You morph your personality at a whim, to be who ever they want you to be, because the thought of life without them, is heartbreaking and unbearable.
And then that day, when they break your heart happens.
You cry. You ache. It aches when you cry, it aches when you sleep. You see them with someone else in the hallway, and it aches then too. 
Now,
to some of you reading this, may be thinking that I, actually may have experienced the real deal at 17.
It wasn't.
I wasn't who I needed to be. I did not know who I was, and who I WANTED to be/become.
I think that everyone is capable of experiencing love, although I also believe that not everyone is capable of accepting it. Not everyone is willing to allow themselves to love, or love again.
There is nothing wrong with that.
I want to love endlessly.
I firmly believe that the people in your life, and the ones closest to your heart are there for a reason.
The cliche saying: "If you love someone, tell them, you might not get the chance tomorrow" or however it goes, is how I've been "focusing" myself lately.
I think it's starting to creep out some of my friends, when I say "love you" at the end of a conversation, but hey, at least they know.

I'm going to stray off topic (a little bit) for a moment.

"Actions speak louder than words."
True or false.
In most cases this is true.
I have encountered many people, who experience the problem of : "all talk and no action."
OR.
"he says he loves me, but does (insert a guy mistake here), if he really loved me, he wouldn't do that."
Now, the other side of the spectrum,
is someone who DOES all of the right things, but never says it.
Would you rather have someone SAY they loved you, and made mistakes along the way, making you feel unloved, or would you rather have someone SHOW you that they love you, and never ever say it.
Both sound heartbreaking.
(I'm sorry about the cry baby blog)
Now, unfortunately 90% of men are emotionally constipated, and 98% of women are emotionally demanding.
I don't know if these two ideas on my "spectrum" will ever mesh.
I want to show love, I want to verbalize it, I want to feel it, but I'm scared to accept it.

I could ramble about my insecurities in my relationships, my body, my life history, all of my "gut wrenching moments", but that is highly unnecessary.
Last night, was one of the most magical nights I have ever experienced.

A surprise shopping trip, to pick out a new watch.
(I've been complaining about needing a new one forever, so I think he really did us BOTH a favor.)
A super romantic dinner.
(Best steak EVER at the Vintage Chophouse and Tavern downtown Calgary)
Off to the arcade to shoot some hoops.
Went to the "scary" movie Sinister. (Don't waste your money on that one... I was terrified, because it was creepy, but the story was lacking, and by the end, I had that awkward: "wow, this is a super terrible movie" feeling.)
Back home, changed into cozies, and fell asleep cuddling. (actually.. I'm not just trying to make this a PG blog.)
A night like this is something that I have dreamed about. Something I thought only my friends would experience.
It seems so routine for a lot of you female readers out there, but, I am NOT used to this kind of treatment.
Being surprised and spoiled like that, made my heart pound like I just ran 10k.
My face was flushed the entire night, and my smile muscles are definitely hurting today.
I really don't know if he reads my blog.
I haven't asked him to.
I hope he has.
I dunno.
It scares me, because I'm starting to feel special.. I feel important, cared for, precious, sexy, capable, appreciated.
Why am I so scared?
I don't really know. 
Maybe I'm just cautious.
I don't EVER want to expect nights like last night.
I don't EVER want to give the impression that I think I DESERVE these things.
Yes, it's good to ACCEPT these things when they happen, and appreciate them. But I don't need a silver spoon.
This is all coming out wrong.
Blaarrgh.
I'm actually getting emotional while blogging about this, so I'm thankful you can't see my "ugly cry face."
I guess it comes down to, 
I don't want to be disappointed,
I don't want my heart to ache like it did when I was 17.
That sucked.
so bad.
Go big or go home I guess.

This has come to an abrupt stop, but I honestly am having a hard time finishing this one.
Today for myself...
I wrote about something that scares me.
Aching.


.............
Love and honesty,
Cass