First of many

What what?! New Foooooont!!!!!

Are you excited? Are you excited to read another blog, of my awesome thoughts in a New Font?

*inhale* *exhale*
Ok,
I realize this is all overwhelming, but it's time to calm down.

I cannot promise that my last post, is the last of many emotional, honest posts.
I am in a transition phase in my life, and sharing or blogging my heart, is a huge outlet for me.

I have great expectations out of life.
As far as "fitness" goals go, I want to be able to do a full blown chin up, by summer time.

Some may think that this is a very "lame" goal. Yes I'm a mom, and strong in many ways, (my fellow moms can agree, that we can lug around those damn car seats like nobody's business) but I have ZERO upper body strength.
It's embarrassing.
I recently have started getting off my ass, and doing something about my last 20lbs of baby weight. 
(for the new readers, I have 3 beautiful girls, but they certainly have done a number on my body).
Something that I am excited to share, is that after I lose these 20lbs, I will have collectively lost 100 lbs over the years.
My highest was 230 when I was pregnant with my second daughter.

It's crazy to think, that I'm a mere 5'5 and was THAT large.

Believe it people. 
This shit is real.

Inner peace sounds so "Hollywood" to say, but I am a work in progress, and I WILL get there.

I am sure everyone has experienced seasons in their life where they go back and forth in their minds, wondering if they're doing the right thing, living the right way, or if they have made the most efficient decisions.

This is not a strange feeling for me.
Hell, half of the time I'm so hesitant to even get as far as making a decision.

I really feel that once I have my "inner peace", things like traveling, writing, music, etc etc, will be more of a reality.

It's almost impossible to follow your heart, and pursue your dreams, when you have no concrete decision making skills to back you up.

So, 
first thing is first.

I am going to start seeing a counselor.
No, I am not "whining" or crying about my emotional state.
I have a lot of bullshit to sort through in my life, and I need to do some inner reflection on how these things are affecting my daily decision making.
I am also going to see a debt counselor.

One of the perks of leaving your husband, is that you are blinded by a past trust, and they stop paying bills that are still in YOUR name.
Unfortunately, it was a combination of a naive and messy situation.
Long story short,
I have many things in collections, and although I have been doing what I can to pay it down, it seems as if I get one thing paid off, and I get another call about something else.

If you know who he is, this is NOT a stab at him, or a way to paint him in a bad light.
This is me sharing what I am dealing with, and although I have shared it, it is NOT an invitation for you to meddle.

h'okay?

Life is about making mistakes.
It's about learning from the bad ones, and making sure you repeat the good ones.

We all have to deal with the consequences of our actions.
Sometimes, it's not as easy as simple consequences.
Sometimes, it's heartache, heartbreak, misery, anger, resent.

Sometimes we have to look into the eyes of the people we love, and watch their hearts break.

Sometimes, we have to say goodbye to cherished friendships, and start a new chapter.

Some days, we will feel completely alone.
Some days, not even the slowest student driver will piss you off.

There will be days I will cry myself to sleep.
But,
I will always ALWAYS, look forward to the days my face hurts from smiling.
to the days my abs hurt from laughing.
The days where I eat twice my weight in ice cream, and wash it down with way too much beer.
(yes that sounds like a terrible combination, but I quite enjoy it)
I look forward to the days where I can be there for my girls when they have their first, real, bad day.

I am a mom.
I am a friend.
I could change your world.
But first,
I have to change mine.

Love and honesty,
Cass