Dunzo

Hokay...
This is my first post from my phone, so I apologize for any spelling mistakes and or autocorrect mishaps... I will do my best to catch any errors.

I am so done. Or as my title refers  to as "dunzo"... 
Ugh, there's this stupid pop up that I cannot get rid of, I'm literally trying to type around it lol.

Ok.

I feel like shit. Emotional shit.
I don't think I'm depressed or anything, I'm just so overwhelmed with the redundant pettiness that I cannot seem to get away from these days.

I deleted Facebook a while ago, and it worked out really well for me.

I didn't miss anything.
But for whatever reason I justified re-activating it so I could promote my blog and blah blah blah.
And now I'm emotionally shitty again.
I'm so tired of reading these stupid e-cards. 
Ooooh 
I need to find a man that will dance with me and love me?? That's true love? Those are the requirements to a happy marriage? He has to have a 6 pack and tattoos???
Now, yes abs look great on guys, buuuuuut I will be the first to admit that it's extremely 
intimidating to approach let alone sleep with a washboard.. I know I'm cool as shit, and look awesome for having 3 kids... But... Come on now.
If I wanted to cuddle rocks, I would go camping.

On a daily basis, Facebook and damn e-cards remind us of what we don't have.
I don't have abs, or a closet full of cookbooks and dirty secrets to win over Ryan gosling with my impeccable squatting technique..
Therefore that means I must be a miserable piece of shit.

Enough.
Enough enough enough enough!!!!
Seriously go hose yourself down, give your head a shake, and just grow the fuck up.

I'm so over getting hammered.
It's like, I'm living this terrible story where the only life outside of Facebook is getting drunk.
Or going for drinks.
Or making plenty of fish accounts.
Maybe I'm being lame, but I'm so over it.
To each their own, i know I know..

I've been trying to figure out where God is going to play a part in my life...
I had a severe "I'm an asshole" moment the other day... It went something like this:

I was talking to a girlfriend on the phone, talking about myself and how I feel like I'm always going to be ready to be in a relationship, due to the type of person that I am..
I'm always going to be able to love someone. 
It's a huge part of my personality.

Now, here is where I'm an asshole, and where it gets deep..
If I'm sooooo willing to make a good or bad thing work, and would be willing to do anything to make my man (boyfriend or husband), smile, and keep him around so we can be happy....
Why the hell have I never ever even put HALF of that effort into God.. Or even trying to figure out what part he plays in my life??
I pray for strength to know a good man from a waste of time.. And that God would prepare whoever I end up with, with a shit load of patience..
How can I expect God to answer my prayers, when I don't even take 5 effing minutes out of my day for him??
I would love to have a husband some day.
One that doesn't give a shit of where I've been, or who my kids dads are, and blah blah blah.
One that I can make breakfast for, and bring coffee to them, and watch hockey with.
One that will have nerf gun wars with me, and learn when I'm frustrated and need a hand with the dishes.
One that will remember my silly little wants, and desires.

Why. Do. I. Deserve ... That...
When I'm so self absorbed in this petty fricking world we call Facebook, Twitter and Instagram??
I'm not saying I'm just going to be a religious door to door, insensitive asshole.
But there's gotta be more to life than broken hearts, boredom and loneliness..

And if I vanish... To figure myself out... Learn the REAL me.. And how to stand up for myself...
Well then I guess you will have to be haunted with the thought of "what happened to her" 
Or "I wonder what she's up to"
Because I'm done.
I'm so fucking done.
I'm tired of waiting for my life to be like the movies.
I'm so tired of hoping people will change, and see what they have lost by losing me.
It's sick twisted torture and it's only hurting me.

Most of you know where I'll be ...
And I won't be waiting in the rain anymore. Waiting for some fricking director to call "action".
I'm not being a drama queen.

I'm just done.