Elle, eh?

bwahaha the puns that you have missed so dearly whilst I was away, have returned with a vengeance!

I'm back. It's sad but true. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad to be home with the kids, but I really wish I could move out to LA.
If it wasn't for my girls growing up in a diet society filled with yoga and sushi, I would in a heart beat. It truly is the land of opportunity, and it struck a cord with my heart while I was there.
It was definitely an emotional journey for me. At first, I didn't miss the kids as much as I thought I would, and then I started freaking out that there was something wrong with me for not missing them.

This trip was the first time that I have been alone/by myself since I was 19. Now, I know I chose to get married and have kids young, and I am not complaining.
It was interesting discovering myself. Alot of heartache, joy, and to just sum it up into a nutshell, I was an emotional wreck.
I didn't want to leave.. Not because I don't like my life here in canada, but because for the first time in my life, I fell inlove with myself. (Not in the conceited valley girl way.)
I truly discovered myself. For the first time in a really long time, I felt confident. Now that may seem weird, that being in Hollywood of all places would boost one's confidence.... But it did.
I think it's because a good 90% of the girls out there are all the same. 6-9inch heels, cooter dresses and boobs hanging out. The tighter the dress, the "higher" the status. Now, we met a few cool girls. Sweethearts to the 9.. but alot of the other ones we met, were definitely superficial. Example: "Like oh my gosh, I only made it to spin class like 3 times this week, and i feel like I'm getting fat. I guess I'll just have some asparagus and skip the steak!" Hunn, life without steak is empty.

I feel like I'm not making any sense. Needless to say, I'm in a very strange headspace right now. I feel like crying. I feel like scooping my kids up and cuddling them for a week. I feel like pursuing my dreams, and actually investing quality time into them. The people we met in LA, are really driven people. We met alot of "actors", "producers" and "directors".. Even though they were very cliche, and a little stuck up, they had that drive.
If anything, at this moment I feel inspired. But at the same time, that inspiration could be detrimental to my life now.
Life is full of hard questions, and even harder decisions.
Maybe I shouldn't be blogging about this.
But you won't judge me.. All I want out of life is to be as real and honest as I can be. And if that means wearing my heart on my sleeve.. Or typing my mind on my blog, I need to do that..
You probably don't understand. Or maybe you do..
I'm not looking for any advice, or for anyone to solve my problems. Once I get through this, I know I will have the feeling of conquering (sp?) something special.. I feel like a million bucks.. But it also feels like its a debt of a million bucks.
ramble ramble ramble.
xo