Sledgehammer

Hi. 
My name is Cass, I suffer from anxiety, vivid dreaming, catastrophizing, overthinking and being a sledgehammer. 

The book is in the works, I promise.

Ok. So. 

Once upon a time, I was given the nickname sledgehammer. Why? Well, because I'm a firm believer in not wasting time. I also suffer from major amounts of anxiety and overthinking, and the more I know, the sooner I know, the better I function, and no, I don't care if you're uncomfortable.

*as always, this will be a bit scattered but always, always makes sense in the end.*

About 3 years ago, I would cry myself to sleep about my flaws, how I interacted with friends, how I thought I was communicating so well, but was actually pushing everyone away. I was this person controlled by a puppeteer, whom used to have an identity, but evolved into anxiety. 
Every choice was driven by what people thought, how to get the guy, keep the guy, how to be cool, how to redeem my *crappy* life. It was a list of the most ridiculous things that any average person would not understand.
Too many people had control over my life. I lived to please people, even if I had to give away a part of myself every time. I let people make decisions for me, I was a doormat, I wasn't living and I almost lost my kids because of this. Like actually. 

Fast forward to a few days ago. Wrecked. Just absolutely wrecked. It was just one of those days where everything piled up and you feel completely blind sighted. It seriously felt like an elephant barged into my room and sat directly on my chest. The over thinking and the anxiety kicks in: How could I have been so stupid? You're an idiot. No wonder you're still single. Seriously how did you think this was going to play out? Good girls don't win. Trust your instincts next time. You should have known better. Are you uncomfortable yet? It got a lot worse. Laying in my bed, totally defeated and just embracing the suck of my early 30's meltdown, my 4 year old pokes her head in my room and says: "Mommy, you promised we could ride my new bike today, lets go." 
Are you fucking kidding me? Now? I can't even move kid, I cant even have a conversation without screwing it up and this kid wants me to supervise her riding a bike, give me a break.
Is what I say to myself. 
I take a deep breath and I look over at her. Giant smile and settling patience, completely unshaken by my mascara stained face and swollen eyes. Go. get the fuck out of bed and go.
So I drag my ass outside, get her bike out of the shed and take her out front to ride her bike. I can barely focus, my mind is racing a million miles a second. I'm slowly walking up and down the side walk beside her, being the complete opposite of a helicopter parent. Just then, she lets out the biggest squeal of delight, "Thank you SO MUCH for buying me this bike mommy! This is the bestest and most fastest, funnest bike ever!!" 
Wrecked. Again. But in a grateful way. In that small insignificant moment, was such a powerful moment for me. Some of you non-parents may be rolling your eyes by this point because you can't relate and that's totally fine. 
In that moment, I had a wave of peace hit me. I genuinely felt like God, or the Universe was saying: This.. This is what matters.  
My personal life will always be an up and down on the priority list. Every few months I'll get back up on the horse and give the dating thing a shot but so far has only been proven to be a very frustrating and painful process. 
My kid thinks I'm the coolest fricking person because I bought her the bestest and most fastest bike ever. 
There's no competing. (I know I kind of win by default but you get what I'm saying.)

So how does being a sledgehammer tie into this? Well, for a few reasons. I will forever be uncomfortably upfront. I will forever put people on the spot and encourage vulnerability. I will forever be a sucker for a happy ending, and stupid lame ass Nicholas Sparks moments. 
I will forever expect honesty, integrity and good intentions. Let me tell you, it BURNS like a bitch when people don't meet your expectations. It hurts even more when they pretend. You can call me a sledgehammer until I die, I don't care. I don't see this as a bad thing anymore!!! I know my intentions are good, they are not self sabotaging like they once were. Is it easy having people run away?? No. It gets harder and harder. Every. Damn. Time. Here would be the best time to say something super cliche like "You won't scare away the wrong people/person". Maybe. 
But maybe I'm just finally starting to grow into who I am and I'm excited to throw it in your face! I'm awkward, I'm quirky, I can out dad-joke anybody. I've got my shit together, a fantastic group of friends who hate the people who hurt me more than I do. I dance like Elaine, on purpose and I will forever hope, dream and pray for the right man, and any person who wants to join in on this crazy adventure. Because hey, I buy the bestest most fastest and funnest bikes ever.

Love and Honesty,
Cass


And there will come a time, you'll see.
With no more tears.
And love will not  break your heart,
but dismiss your fears.