Today is a day where we show all of our love and appreciation to the woman who raised us to who we are today. Today social media will be blown up with why their mom is the best mom in the whole world. There will be pictures of beautiful women posting their breakfast in bed moments, how spoiled they are, the wonderful gifts showered upon them.
And then there will be us.
The ones who have lost their moms. The ones who have lost their sisters, their friends, their children and even their spouses. I guess you could say I am super unfortunate to be in this group of people but I know someone from every category above and almost fit the list myself.
It is so so hard to be present today. It's 8am on a Sunday, my kids are still asleep and I have only had one cup of coffee (I had to make it myself). My mind is racing just trying to remember her voice, her smell, her laugh. How on Mothers Day she would always say "I'm so proud of you nanny bird". As slight comic relief, my nickname growing up was nanny bird. For whatever reason when I was 3, I insisted on being called nanny bird or nanny, which later evolved into naan. I think that my inner spirit knew I would have a profound love for bread before I could truly understand it.
My mom was a beautiful beautiful woman. If you were lucky to know her, I know you would agree. She was welcoming, caring, gentle and just a pure delight to be around. Even in her final days she was still cracking jokes, giving us all heck for something just because she could, and man could she cook.
I often catch myself becoming more and more like her as time goes on, as I grow into my own role as a mom, as a woman and friend. There's also the obvious physical similarities, as we're equally good looking.
There's an ache in my heart today. I miss her so so much. She would get such a kick out of the kids, especially Sylver. She was such a good grandma.
Navigating life and life as a mother without her has been a lot harder than I ever imagined. She's been gone 5 years now and I still catch myself going to call her, especially when I screw up a recipe, or have some sort of stain I can't seem to get out of the girls clothes.
I guess my biggest hurdle is just wondering and not knowing if she would be proud of me. I know that I'm proud of myself, I've come such a long way in these 5 years but it definitely looks a lot different than I ever imagined, or as any mother would have imagined for her kid.
Being a single mom is a hard job. We all know this, it's not like it's some big secret that raising 3 kids by yourself in today's society is simple. My biggest focus through this journey
has been that I want my girls to see first hand, that if your life doesn't go as planned, you can still make it work, you can still succeed and you can still be happy with or without a man by your side. Recently I've spent more time tapping into my spiritual side if you will, and there are some big changes coming up in my life but for the first time I'm not actually scared. I feel like God knows what he's doing more than I do so at least I've got that working for me. I often wonder if my mom is looking out for me too sometimes. I don't know if it's the time of year and I'm just more aware of things that remind me of her, or its her way of showing me I'm on the right path, or Gods way. I'm not sure.
I hope she's proud. There's so many things I wish I could tell her, especially that the fact it takes 4 hours to make cinnamon buns is bogus and you gave me the wrong bannock recipe.
So if you're a single mom today, I see you. The way I see it, I could have a man and just be
mad he didn't plan anything anyways so make your own coffee girl and treat yourself to some bacon. If you're mom has passed and your heart still aches, I see you. No one should have to lose their mom, it's ok to be sad. Be gentle with yourself today and take it easy, do something today that reminds you of her.
If you have lost a child, my heart aches for you. I hope you find peace today, even for a moment, because that's just unimaginable to me that you've experienced that and I want you to know that I try very hard every day to not take my kids for granted.
God couldn't be everywhere, so that's why he made mothers.
Happy Mothers Day
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