the end is near

Today is monday. (incase you missed the memo.)
I will officially be an esthetitcian on friday. *dance party*. I get teary everytime I think about it. Paint me lame, but it's a true story. Now! Do NOT interpret this as I am sad to be leaving school.. For that I could not be happier, but I guess I get teary because I cannot believe I actually did it. I have always found some excuse not to go back to school. Whether it be money, finances, kids.. If there was an excuse, I usually found it. I don't know why. Maybe I was scared of being great.. Or some other cliche' movie quote.. *munches on a bite of fruit loops* om nom nom. (now you want some don't you)

A little feed back as to why I haven't been blogging. It's as simple as: I didn't have a whole lot to say.
I don't want to be one of those bloggers out there that posts everything they do on there.. For example: "Today was an ok day. I blew my nose alot. There was no color, so I assume that means I am healthy. Speaking of healthy, I've lost 3 lbs! omg ! like shut the front door"
I don't really know what's going on with me lately. It's as if I don't have patience for people, ignorance or drama lately. Which can be healthy, but I think it may have gotten the better of me.. I almost feel distanced (especially by the ones I love and care about). As if I am scared to get involved in fear of drama.. Sometimes I feel like the junk site.. You know, the place where everyone goes, and leaves all their crap there, and just expects something to be done with it.... I have so much going on right now, I don't want to sound rude, or that I don't care. I'm glad people can confide in me. I honestly feel like I have no energy left. None left to be a half decent friend, let alone a decent mom and wife. I don't know if this is an attack. Probably is. I'm 4days away from starting my career, and so far I've been told that I'm great. So why would that go un- noticed?? I am really hoping this makes sense.
Lately, I have started convincing myself that my blog can be my PG-13 diary.. Obviously blogspot will never see the ins and outs of my mind, my heart, my relationships or my secrets. Although, I am very open in sharing my thoughts to whoever is willing to listen, or in this case, read.
This month has been super hard on my family and I. Emotionally, financially, pretty much everything you can think of, has been poking at my wee little family of 4. I couldn't sleep, and still have some issues with sleep too..looking back over the past week even, I can't figure out how we made it through.. This isn't going to be a pitty party, just so you know, it will get better.
Last week, I got stuck at school with no ride home, no bus fare, I had forgotten my wallet at home, forgot my keys, and had no jacket. It was pouring rain outside, and I chose to wear dress shorts and a t-shirt that day, with the most uncomfortable pair of kitten heels ever created.. Super embarrassed, I asked a girl in my class to borrow some money for the bus. Of course being the day that it was, my train was delayed due to technical difficulties.. By the time the train arrived, I was just super excited to be able to sit down and warm up until I got to my stop.. Well of course there were no empty seats.. (don't worry, I survived.. obviously) FINALLY  I get to my stop, and discover the escalator is broken. Almost in tears, I trudge up the stairs feeling completely defeated. As I reached the top of my "mountain" or in this case, the 4 flights of stairs, I came across a scruffy looking man rummaging through his bag for his bus tickets. Just as he was about to validate his ticket, I stepped in, and offered him my transfer, as it was still good for another hour, and I was going to be throwing it out anyways. With the most relieved look I have ever seen in my entire life, he accepted and that was the most genuine thank-you I have ever received.. With a smile back on my face, I head back into the rain to meet my parents and the girls, and filled them in on my day.
This is when I started to ponder the following: When is it ok to stop being nice? Don't get me wrong, I am genuinely a nice person (unless you hate me, you probably hate me because I am nicer than you). I don't do nice things for people in hopes that they will do nice things for me. I don't smile at people in hopes that some hottie will smile at me. I don't do nice things in fear of karma. I do them because I want to, and sometimes because I'm too chicken to be a bitch. I suck at fighting.. BUT, it would be nice to see SOME ounce of something nice, or friendly or even positive energy if that's your thing. After that day, I had seriously debated that there was no hope for humanity anymore. Everyone's so focused on finding out when the rapture is going to happen so they can prove someone wrong, that people forget to be genuine, and nice, and loving.  WHO cares if the homeless man smells bad, give him the 25cents! Everyone has cell phones these days, so I doubt you need it for a phone call. And incase you missed the memo, its 35cents now. What kind of lame sauce is that??
To finish off my little story... I finally walk into my home, put on my hubbies cozy slippers, throw on a hoodie, and check to see if there's any coffee left to warm up. I was so distracted by making sure the girls weren't wearing shoes in the house, that their coats were hung up, and that I had enough of something to muster up for supper, I missed the sneaky efforts of my dad as he left a pack of bus tickets on my table.  Teary eyed, I said: You didn't have to do that.. Mom & Dad: "we know". Me: "Thank you"
Just when I'm about to give up on the sincerity and generosity of a person's heart. God takes these moments to show me how much I lack in truly trusting in him, and that he will ALWAYS provide for me. *sigh*
It was a humbling day.

final exam at 9:00am sharp on friday june 24. say a prayer for me! 2hr time limit